Ralph Hogan, along with his wife of 30 years, Janet, is the co-founder of Botanica Weddings. He is as passionate about the institution of marriage as he is about creating the venues that celebrate it. When he’s not sitting on top of his beloved backhoe carving out mountains, he can be found with his trusty Mac tapping out his latest insight on what it means to live happily ever after, from his uniquely male, take no prisoners, perspective.
The second “thing" which we learnt, we did so rather more slowly - and that was to be 100% frank and truthful with each other about everything - and I mean absolutely everything.
Because this is something much easier said than done and it’s a process so fraught with fear of rejection and ridicule, many people will never go there. All throughout life we’ve learnt to adjust our “level” of honesty with others on a more or less “needs to know” basis. But when you’re married, there is no room for obfuscation, especially with all the emotional stuff, and strangely enough my willingness to be completely honest and vulnerable at the risk of seeming ‘weak’ was the very thing the Child Bride came to most respect me for; and respect is an essential requisite for any love affair.
Developing a mutually respectful and unabridged form of communication is paramount to any relationship and is the one thing, which if the mountains of research are to be believed, most women find most lacking in their relationships.
Developing a mutually respectful and unabridged form of communication is paramount to any relationship and is the one thing, which if the mountains of research are to be believed, most women find most lacking in their relationships.
It took me many years of slowly testing the waters to see how truthful I could be, mostly about how much I depended on her - a girl 11 years younger than me with the looks of a perennial teenager but in many ways so much more aware and experienced than me, thanks to a progressive upbringing, and a rare talent for introspection. I was finally able to talk about my fears and failings, the humiliation of my childhood, things I’d of much rather have taken to the grave than let anyone else know about.
The more honest I was, the closer we became.
The more honest I was, the closer we became, and the more I was able to also accept the role I'd also played, if not in actually creating my problems, then most certainly in not resolving them successfully. And it's only by learning that process of de-victimization that any of us can really grow.
It didn’t happen overnight, but at least Janet accepted that I was a never-ending work in progress, which happily for me, suited her pathologically charitable and evangelistic nature…and is why her children idolize her, and call her (Mahatma) Jandhi!